Grieving a Long Term Relationship on Valentine’s Day
I woke up Saturday morning thinking it was going to be a great day. Although I was a little behind on my Valentine’s Day plans, I felt hopeful.
Mind you, I hadn’t made my reservations, and I didn’t even have my flowers. But, my date night dress was hanging in my closet, waiting for me. My shoes and jewelry had arrived on time (Thank you Fashion Nova) and I had an idea of the style I wanted to do with my wig.
Welp, Valentine’s Day certainly didn’t end up looking like what I thought it would be. As the day progressed, I got sadder and sadder.
I honestly didn’t realize that I would feel the way I did.
Although my separation has been hard on me, I haven’t been heartbroken per se.
Like, I’m sad my marriage didn’t work out, but I cried all the tears while I was still with him. All the times I begged and pleaded for quality time, for intimacy, for dates, etc.
I cried while I was with him, so by the time we split up, I was already moving on.
With that said, the wave of emotions that hit me on Valentine’s Day took me by surprise. I kept asking myself why do I feel so down? I was confident that I had cried every tear there was to cry.
And then, it dawned on me.
I wasn’t just sad, I was grieving.
Grieving the fact that me being single on Valentine’s Day wasn’t much different from when I was in a relationship. In that moment, I just felt so sorry for the version of me who stayed, begged, and prayed for a change.
I wanted to be seen, and never felt like I was enough.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I entered marriage with many unhealed wounds, so I’m not trying to push blame. But I also went through a lot in my ten years with him.
Anyways, I spent half the day trying not to cry, and then decided to come out of my little hole. I hit up my little sister and we went mini golfing. The more we played, the better I felt.
We were both in our feelings at the start of the session, but it didn’t stop us from actually enjoying ourselves. By the time we were done playing and eating, we were both engrossed in our conversations about life, relationships, and how we felt in the moment.
I’m so grateful for my sisters.
We ended the day with an impromptu movie night at my place. We cooked some steak and pasta. I took a nice shower, got into a cute little set, and plopped down on the couch to finish the night.
This year, Valentine’s Day didn’t look like what I imagined.
It wasn’t the solo date I so excitedly planned, and it definitely wasn’t the love story I once hoped for. But, it reminded me of something important: healing is not linear.
Some days you feel strong and hopeful. And on other days, grief catches you by surprise and it feels like you’re choking on nothing.
But even on the hard days, God still finds ways to hold you and help you through to your next moment in time.
